A Valentines Dinner
by Raptorcloak
Summary: Ulquiorra goes to Orihime's place for Valentine's Day dinner and tries some of her experimental food with disasterous results. Ulquihime. Happy Valentines, reviewers. AU


Here is a little fun story I did with Ulquiorra and Orihime, one of my favorite pairings, for Valentines Day. I thought it would be something to have Ulquiorra star in a comedy fanfic even though I'm pretty sure he is a whole lot more comedy fanfics here on fanfic. Anyway enjoy and try not to laugh yourself to death at the end.  
Summary: It's Valentines Day and Ulquiorra is called by his girlfriend Orihime to dinner and having heard of her reputation for wierd food, he decides to try it.  
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. It really belongs to Tite Kubo.  
Pairings: UlquiHime, some minor GrimmNel and of course, IchiRan  
Notes: As you'll probably be able to tell, Ulquiorra is alive again and living in the real world with Aizen out of the way along with Neliel and Grimmjow, which as explained in my GrimmNel lemon _Compromrising, _who healed him after that bastard Nnoitra knocked him down and is in her adult form permanently and now dating the former 6th espada. Even though they're not in this story, Tia, Starrk, and Lilinette are alive too.

* * *

On Valentines Day, Ulquiorra sat in his apartment reading his recently bought book entitled _"Human Emotions"_ and suddenly his phone rang and he picked it up.

"Hello?" He said into the phone.

"_Happy Valentines_, _Ulquiorra!" _Orihime said and a faint grin appeared on his lips at the overly sweet sound of his girlfriend's voice.

_"Greetings Orihime. Happy Valentines Day."_

_"Thank you! You have any plans tonight?"_

"No I don't."

_"Well, I'd like to ask you to come over for dinner at my place. What do you say?"_

_"_I'd be delighted. What time should I arrive?"

_"How about 6:30?"_

_"_Very Well. I shall see you then."

_"Alrighty then! See you later, sweetheart."_

"Farewell then." Ulquiorra said as he looked at the time on his DVR cable box and it flashed two fifteenth. He sat his book down the table in front of him and got up to get the ironing board out of the closet. He sat it down and untangled the plugging cord and plugged it up. Then he ironed a grey vest and black pants. He then went down to a nearby PX and got a giant heart-shaped box of chocolate for Orihime that was bigger than his own hands and he took a shower when he got back home and completely lathered himself in Axe soap. Next he relaxed and watched _All Dogs Go To Heaven _as it was something his busty and bubbly girlfriend had given to him as a gift and it paid off as the half-emotionless arrancar found it somewhat funny. Then when it was five-fifty, Ulquiorra dressed into the clothes he had ironed earlier, picked up the candy-heart and headed out the door. Along the way he came into contact with Neliel and Rangiku who were both wearing bowling clothes.

"Hi Ulqui. What are you doing?" Neliel asked as she noticed Ulquiorra's clothes and the chocolate box in his hand.

"I'm going to Orihime's house for dinner."

"Ah, that's nice," Rangiku said.

"What about you two?" Ulquiorra said.

"Oh, it's couples night at the bowling alley and it's me and Rangiku against Grimmy and Ichigo." Neliel explained.

"Something happen between you two and them?" Ulquiorra asked, wondering if the other couple had a dispute or something like that.

"Oh no. Nothing's wrong. We're just playing for fun. Right, Nel?" Rangiku said

"Nope. Nothin's wrong at all." Neliel replied and Ulquiorra wished the two buxom women the best of luck for their bowling game as he continued his way to Orihime's house. He shortly arrived at the front door at six twenty five and he popped a breathe mint into his mouth, not wanting to have his breathe smell indecent.

_"Well, here goes." _Ulquiorra thought before he rang the doorbell and after he heard locks unlocking, the door opened and there was Orihime, wearing a lime dress that very much defined the desirable curves she had and that bright orange-haired she had ended at her rear.

"Ulquiorra, you're right on time!" Orihime joyfully said as she hugged Ulquiorra so tight that she lift him off the ground. As strong as Ulquiorra may have been, Orihime's hugs were almost strong enough to snap him in half or so he thought. He patted Orihime's back and and presented her the box of chocolate.

"Oh, thank you so much." Orihime said as she pecked him on the cheek and guided him into her home and closed the door behind them, all the while as Ulquiorra admired her dress.

"That's a very attractive dress." He commented and Orihime giggled and said the reason she got it was because it matched the color of his eyes, making him beam in appreciation and the latter returned the smile.

"Well dinner is ready so let's eat." Orihime said and Ulquiorra sat near the window while Orihime went to get the food off the stove. He got up and went to help her carry the food, not wanting her to do all the work. The two set the food on the table which was composed of two bowls of seasoned noodles with odd-looking brown water and a ham with twin pineapples on top. The pair filled their glasses with mountain dew and tipped them together.

"I watched the dog movie again today. Once again thanks for the film."

"You're welcome. I really did think you'd like it."

"Yeah. I assumed Charlie the dog's voice was that entertaining comedian from America, Norm Macdonald."

"I did too. Burt Reynolds and Norm Macdonald sound so much alike." Orihime said and Ulquiorra dipped his chopsticks into the noodles and slurped them up. As he swallowed them, he noticed they tasted funny and almost similar to chocolate and Orihime smiled at him at his reaction.

"How do you like my experiment?" Orihime asked and Ulquiorra gave her a confused look.

"Experiment?"

"Yep. The toppings on these noodles are actually chocolate and the pineapples on this ham here is flavoring." Orihime said and the thought secretly disgusted the arrancar although he, not wanting to ever say anything that would hurt his girlfriend's feelings, just hide back his disgust at the thought of the food. Then he remembered he made Orihime eat arrancar food in Las Noches that she didn't seem to tempted eat and told himself he would do the same.

"_I wonder how Grimmjow and Ichigo's bowling date is going."_

_Elsewhere_

"All right, Nel!" Rangiku cheered as the green-haired woman knocked over all the pins with one small roll of the bowling ball. Ichigo and Grimmjow didn't know which was worse'; the fact that both their girlfriends were creaming them at bowling or the fact that most of the few dateless guys at the place were all hitting on Rangiku and Neliel. If anything they agreed on, it was the other guys hitting on the two woman. Then they noticed two lanky guys walking up to Neliel and Rangiku and Grimmjow started growling as they reminded him of Nnoitra's perverted smile and before he could get up and give them a scare or more possibly a beatdown, Ichigo held his arm out in front of Grimmjow.

"What the hell are you doing, Ichigo?" Grimmjow impatiently snarled at Ichigo.

"Trust me. I don't like them anymore than you do so cool it. I've got a plan. You feel like you need to crack your hands, right?" Ichigo asked.

"No damn. Look at those guys." Grimmjow said.

"Follow my lead." Ichigo said as he placed his right knuckle into the palm of his other hand and got ready to crack it. Grimmjow caught onto what his friend/rival had in mind and placed his fist into his other palm.

"Not bad, Kurosaki." Grimmjow smirked as they both readied themselves to crack their knuckles and as soon the guys were just about to tap Rangiku and Neliel's shoulders

CRACK!

The cracking of the knuckles echoed through the bowling alley and the guys turned around and saw Grimmjow's battle-ready face along with Ichigo's punk-like grin and both ran off like cowards.

"Ichigo, Grimmy, are you two alright?" Neliel asked.

"Yeah, we're good, babe." Grimmjow said as the two women went back to bowling as he and Ichigo both knocked their knuckles together.

_Back at Orihime's place half an hour later_

Ulquiorra managed to eat the noodles, despite them being highly unattractive, and the ham was the only food edible while Orihime unsurprisingly eat the food without a problem. He and Orihimecleared the table and went to the living room to talk and they both watched _All Dogs Go To Heaven 2 _and two episodes from the TV series. After which, Orihime's printer printed out a few pictures and she gathered and giggled as she looked at them.

"What's so funny?" Ulquiorra said as Orihime showed him the pictures and there were of Ichigo and Grimmjow's double date bowling. The first picture had Neliel and Rangiku happily holding up a chart which indicated they had won the bowling game and their boyfriends had only been able to beat them at one game while they themselves had been able beat Ichigo and Grimmjow two out of three times. Ichigo and Grimmjow were in the background with the former having a good sport look on his face while the latter had a ticked off look on his face. The picture showed Neliel sitting in Grimmjow's lap with herself cuddling him and he had something of a smile on his lips at her while Ichigo laid back with his head in Rangiku's lap with her hands on the sides of his face and her breasts were atop his head. Ulquiorra was surprised at Ichigo not being freaked out with Rangiku's giant assets on top of him.

_"He must either be drunk or he's finally grown a pair." _Ulquiorra thought before he felt a sudden pain in his stomach and collapsed to his knees.

"Ulquiorra, are you alright?" Orihime said as she dropped down next him and he held his stomach in pain.

"Excuse me." He said as he got up and bolted to the bathroom and closed the door. Like a half hour, he came out with a nauseated look and Orihime approached him.

"Yes. I believe should be...hold that thought." Ulquiorra yelped as he put his hand over his mouth and ran back into the bathroom where he made retching sounds. When he came back out, Orihime lead him out to her car and drove him back to his apartment. She had his keys to open the apartment and put him in his bed where he curled up into a ball with his stomach in pain. He knew it had to do something with the food he ate earlier. He got out of bed at least two times that night to vomit and he slept peacefully for the rest of the night. The next morning, he woke to see Orihime carrying his breakfast which was mostly fruit and placed her head on his forehead.

"How are you feeling, Ulqui?" Orihime asked.

"I should be fine. It's not your fault." Ulquiorra said and Orihime just smiled and kissed his lips.

"Oh don't worry. You'll be better in no time once you've eaten my bean-curry chicken noodle soup." Orihime said and Ulquiorra could almost swear he heard his stomach lurch at the name but eventhough he was sick, he just couldn't bring himself to say to Orihime that her food was making him sick.

"Oh. Um.. Can't wait." Ulquiorra fibbed and Orihime headed into the kitchen to make the soup and the arrancar had a feeling he would not be getting out bed for a while.

* * *

Dont worry fellow Ulquiorra fans. Ulquiorra will survive and be out of bed in one week and good as new. Since this is one of the few times I've released two stories in one day, I'd like to announce that I will be releasing both my MinatoxShizune lemon and my new NarutoxSamui lemon of the upcoming lemon series Blondes In Bed on the very same day as a double-feature treat to you guys. I could still use the help of a BETA reader. Read and review this story, my other new HitsuHina story _**Hot Springs Trip, **_and my IchigoxRangikuxOrihime lemon _**Valentines Day Gifts**_ since today is Valentines Day. Happy Valentines Days, friends and reviewers alike!


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